Is it true that the love between girl groups member is only a delusion because they are not allowed no have a date with opposite gender?Then… what if Matsui Jurina become too afraid to face that consequence?
Rena-chan has just announced her graduation in public yesterday… but it’s not surprised me because I’ve known it beforehand.
*FLASHBACK – 3 Months ago*
“Rena-chan~” I called her just a moment before she grabbed the knob. “Akimoto-sensei is not in his office, I’ve just saw him walked toward the parking lot.”
“Oh.” Rena-chan let go of the knob and then she walks toward me.
I frown when I get a simple ‘oh’ from her lips. “What? Is there anything bothering you?” I grasp her hand and I hold it gently. “Why do you want to meet Akimoto-sensei?” I have a bad feeling about this when I see her expression.
Rena-chan smile at me while holding both of my hands. She looks at me deeply and seriously. “Jurina… I’m not going to be your rival in SKE anymore. I’ve planned to leave… soon.” She squeezed my hand a little when she said ‘leave’ word.
My heart sank when I get what she means. In a moment later, I brushed off her hands harshly. “WHAT?!” I clench my fist. “Then… I’m going to leave as well! Let’s graduate together!!!” Fuck this shit! I can’t imagine myself without her in SKE and AKB!
Rena-chan only shows me a warm smile as if she understands what I feel. I hate when she smiles like that because it makes me look like a childish and stubborn kid. “We both know you don’t want it. I know exactly that you still want to reach many things in 48G.” She reaches my hand again. “You still want to beat Sashi and Mayuyu, right? Your aim is to be the no.1 in 48G!”
Fuck! I hate when she is right. My tears come out little by a little and then it flows so hard… the tears rolling down on my cheeks. “I hate you, Rena… for leaving me like this.”
Rena-chan pulls me into a hug and then she pats my head gently. “Sshh… sshhh… don’t cry, honey.” The pats turned into caresses. “I’m not leaving you. It’s just… we walk through the different paths for now. We’re still walking toward the same direction, you know?”
I wrap my arms on Rena-chan’s waist and hug her tightly. “Yeah…” I said it even though in my head… I have a different meaning of graduation. For me, graduation means-
*END OF FLASHBACK*
“What’s wrong with this long face~”
I flinch as I feel someone pinch my nose. “Aw! Rena!” Of course it’s Rena-chan, who else would it be? She’s the only one who has a spare key of my room. “Stop startling me all the time!” I pout.
Rena-chan giggling and then she hug me from behind. “I do not intend to startle you. You are the one who always daydreaming every time I come here.” She kisses my cheek from behind and then she puts her chin on the top of my head. “Are you thinking about me?”
I hold her hands that wrap my shoulders. “No. You have toooooooo much confidence.”
“Liar!” Rena-chan bites my ear.
“Aww!!!” I grimace in pain. “Like seriously… you have to fix your habit.” She has a really bad habit, she always bite me every time she feels that I’m hiding something.
Rena-chan let out a very cute laugh. “I don’t want to!!”
“Why?! You’re hurting me, you know?”
“I know… but you look tasty and I can’t hold myself to not bite you.” Rena-chan whispered it to my ear.
I roll my eyes, twice. “Wow. It sounds erotic all of a sudden.” Right after I said it, I hear her laugh again. I turn around to see her face. “Rena-chan…” I called her name.
My serious expression makes her stop laughing. “What is it?” She puts her palm on my cheek and she caresses it gently.
I want to say something… something that always bothering me lately. But I guess I can’t say it in front of her, especially when she show her worry expression like this to me. I sigh. “Nothing.”
Rena-chan pouts. This is bad, she will bite me aga- “Aww!!!” See? I’m right. She bites my nose. “Rena! Why do you always bite me? Huh?! It’s hurt.” I rub my nose.
“Then why do you always hide something from me?!”
I look at her face and I see her sad face. I don’t like it! I hate when Rena-chan showing me this face! I pull her into my hug. I don’t want to hurt her, but…
“I love you, Jurina.”
I’m stunned. Those magic words… I hear it many times from her lips in these past 4 years, but until now… I’m still shy when I hear- *CLICK!* I hear the sound of camera shutter. Huh?
Rena-chan sticks out her tongue. “You look cute when you’re blushing.” She shows her phone screen to me, then… I saw the picture of me… bright red.
What?! I didn’t realize that Rena-chan took a picture of me. “H-hey! Delete it!” I try to grab her phone, but Rena-chan quickly locks her phone before I manage to grab it.
“No!!” Rena-chan grins. “I will save it and I won’t show it to anyone.”
I try many characters to guess Rena-chan’s lock code, but I can’t get it true. “Ugh! I fell for your trap? NO! I jumped right into it.”
Rena-chan giggles. “I’m the only one who can see that kind of expression of yours, promise me okay?” She gives a quick kiss on my lips and then she smiles brightly.
I sigh. Oh great! I’m defeated by her charm again. Why did God have to make her too cute like this? “You laugh and smile a lot today.”
Rena-chan crosses her arms. “And you’re pouting a lot today! Tell me what is in your mind NOW!”
I remain silent as I don’t know how to start it.
“Are you thinking about my graduation? Does my graduation announcement yesterday bother you a lot?”
Ugh. She hits the right spot. Why I’m always too easy to be read? It’s like… everything is written on my face!
Rena-chan walks toward me and then she wraps her arms on my body. “Don’t mind about it too much, okay? I will wait you… I will wait until your day comes as well. Someday, you will graduate too and when that time comes… we will live together, forever. I can’t wait until that day comes… we will sleep together every night, we will hang out together every day, and we will live happily ever after. The person who will always beside me is you. I love you, Jurina.”
Love? The love between us does never exist in the first place. Our relationship is… not real.
A month after that, I tried to act normal in front of Rena-chan. We laughed together and had fun together as usual. But I guess… I couldn’t hold it any longer, in the second month… I took some distance from Rena-chan. I ignored her when she called me, I refused her when she asked me to go somewhere together, I pretended to be asleep every time I heard footsteps toward my room because I knew it was Rena-chan, and I also hang out with other younger members more often.
At first, Rena-chan didn’t say anything about it as if she tried to understand how stubborn I could be sometimes. Maybe she just took it as a ‘graduation syndrome’, but she lost her patience when the day she knew that I changed the key to enter my room.
“Can you tell me EXACTLY what the reason is?!”
Rena-chan yelled at me as soon as I opened the door. Well… I didn’t have any choice except to open the door because she has been pressed the bell for one hour. “Reason?”
“Don’t act dumb, Jurina!!” Rena-chan slams the door.
I gulp. I never see Rena-chan so angry like this before. Well… I’m still thankful because she seems does not intend to bite me because it surely would be hurt. “I… I’m just… preparing myself for your graduation.”
Rena-chan frowns. “HUH?! WHAT THE F-”
“I’m learning to get used to life without you, Rena.”
“What?! Don’t be too dramatic, Jurina. It’s still on the next month!!”
“Yes… your graduation will be held in one month. When you graduate, your relation with 48G will be ended there….” I take a deep breath before I say something that I always want to say. “…it’s all also going to end between us soon. Our relationship will be ended there.”
Rena-chan is taken aback. “W-wait… w-what do you mean?”
I look away to avoid her eyes. I’m not going to see that kind of sad expression from her gorgeous face. “Our relationship is not real, just like Atsuko-san and Takamina-san relationship.”
“Eh? B-but… I love you!” Rena-chan yelled at me.
“I love you too, Rena… but don’t be mistaken. This is just our delusion and it’s always happen in girl groups. We are not allowed to have a date with someone in the opposite gender, and because of that… without we realize it, we make an intimate relationship with one another. So… because we don’t have any experience about dating, we start to feel it as if we’re really in love.”
“W-wait a minute, Jurina. Slow down a bit… I-”
I hear Rena-chan’s voice cracked but I ignore it. I have to say it! “When we’re no longer together in SKE, this kind of love will disappear like it never existed because it doesn’t real from the beginning.”
“Stop… s-stop it….”
I want to keep talking. “Just look at how AtsuMina relationship ended. Atsuko-san was dating with a man right after her graduation and Takamina-san looks totally okay with it. Oh, and also… Ohori-san, she got married and now she’s having a child. Accept the reality Rena… we’re going to be like that someday.”
“STOOOOPPP!!!” Rena-chan screams. “Please stop it, Jurina. It’s not delusion… we love each other and our love is different with theirs!!”
I hear Rena-chan cries, but I keep looking away. I’m afraid that I will be weakened if I see her tears. “Let’s simply end it here before we hurt each other more in the future, Matsui Rena.”
Rena-chan snorts in the middle of her tears. “Yeah, it’s only my delusion after all. There is no reason for us to be together, right?” She opens the door and walks away without say anything to me.
I’m hurt… yes, I’m hurt… but, I don’t want to be like Takamina-san. Only me who know exactly how Takamina-san’s feelings when she knew that Atsuko-san had a boyfriend out there. Takamina-san acted like it was nothing in front of people, but in front of me… she showed her true feelings. I saw how desperate and sad she was, I saw how hard she moved on from her own delusion because she thought that Atsuko-san was really in love with her too. I’m afraid to be too hurt like that.
Ahhh…. this rehearsal is too tiring. I sweep my sweat. Two days from now, we will have a graduation concert, Rena-chan’s graduation concert. It’s a big concert, indeed, because Rena-chan is a popular member. I wonder if my graduation concert later will be amazing like this too.
“Are you okay?”
I see someone give me some tissue papers, it’s Riho. “I’m a bit tired, but… I’m okay. I’m strong, you know?” I grin.
“It’s not your physical condition that I mean. Look.” Riho pointed her finger at someone, Rena-chan. “She always glances at you every 5 minutes.”
“Pfftt.” I snorted. “It was only because we’re double centers. She just wants to make sure about her dance position.”
Riho glare at me. “And you glanced at her EVERY 2 MINUTES! I saw it!!”
I gulp. Oh shit. “I just-” I want to talk but our sensei has been asked us to start practice again.
Like seriously… I want a big hole come to eat me at this time because now… me and Rena-chan will do the ‘Two Roses’ rehearsal. Damn! I hate this song so badly because I have to make eye contact with Rena-chan many times.
As the song played, my body dances by itself while my mind fly away. I remember that… after I decided to tell her to end our fake relationship, we were completely ignoring each other. I tried so hard to make my heart believes that I’m not losing anything since there was nothing real from the start. We just have to move on from our delusion, that’s all.
====================== 4 Months Later ======================
I sit in front of my TV while drinking my chocolate milk, but I almost throw up everything when I watch the entertainment news.
Title: Matsui Rena and xxx Reported to be Dating
It was revealed that former SKE48 member, Matsui Rena, have been dating for 2 months now with xxx in the utmost secrecy. Xxx headed towards Matsui’s house and picked her up at a discreet location. The reporters also spotted the two on several dates.
If Matsui is happy then we should be happy since she is not a SKE48 member anymore. Looks like he is the reason why Matsui is becoming more beautiful.
I put my empty cup onto the table harshly. See???!!! I made the right decision!! She’s dating with a guy!!! I don’t know how to express myself at this time. I thought that I’ve been completely moved on from my old delusion, but no… my chest is still hurt.
Half of me feel really thankful because I ‘broke up’ with Rena-chan 5 months ago, if not… I can’t imagine how miserable my life now. But… the other half of me feel regret about my decision… if I do not break up with her, maybe I still have a reason now to tell her to not dating with that guy because she’s still mine.
Ugh! I’m so pathetic. I feel the tears rolling down on my cheeks. I roll over into the couch like a kitten. Maybe a short nap would make me feel better.
When I’m about to turn off the TV, there is someone who press the bell. Who is it?! Why do they come in the early morning like this?! I walk slowly toward the door and then I open it slowly.
“Hi, Jurina. It’s been a while.”
My eyes grow bigger in shock. W-wait… Rena?! What is she doing here?! Bragging out about her new relationship?! I don’t want to know about her happy life out there! “Yes, it’s been a while.” I try to play it cool.
“Oh, you watch the news?” Rena took a glance on my TV.
I shrug it off. “I can’t help it. Your dating news is airing in all national channels. I think I have to buy a DVD player, I’m tired of watching TV.” I see Rena-chan enter my room without my permission, but I let her do what she wants. I want to act like… her dating news is nothing. “Congratulation about your date anyway. You should tell me earlier.” I let out a dry laugh, too awkward.
Rena-chan sits on my couch. “It’s a fake rumor. Xxx-san and I are not dating. Both of us are just become the main characters in my upcoming movie, that’s why we often go to filming location together. But since the movie is not yet to be announced in public, the reporters thinks that both of us dating because we often spotted together.”
Honestly… I want to jump around because I’m happy to hear that, but again… I play it cool. I cough a little. “You came here in this early morning only to tell me about it?? It’s not even my problem.” I roll my eyes.
Rena-chan sighs. “Stop it, Jurina. I know you’re hurt. I know that you’ve just cried some minutes ago. I know you too well, Jurina.” She said it really calmly.
Crap! I hate this. I’m too easy to be read!!
“Listen, Jurina. I can’t do this anymore. I want to stay with you.” Rena said it firmly. She looks calm but I can see through her eyes that she’s hurt.
I remain silent. I’m staring at the ground.
“Don’t you fucking understand that I’m serious about you, Jurina?!” Rena-chan raises her voice. “It’s not our delusion, it is love!!! It’s not only the way I feel in a short moment. I’m so in love with you! In these past months I’m trying to prove you that I’m not like Atsuko-san! I want to make you believe that our relationship is not same with them, stupid! Why you’re too afraid to love me, Jurina? Doesn’t it make you hurt all this time? If you’re hurt, why you didn’t come to me?!”
I raise my head a little, so I can see Rena’s flawless face. “Of course it makes me hurt!” The tears are rolling down on my cheeks in an instant. Rena looks shock, and then she quickly pulls me into her warm hug. “I’m afraid to be too sad, Rena. I’m sorry for hurting you all this time.” I feel Rena’s hand patted my head and her other hand rubs my back to make me calm down.
I close my eyes. I miss Rena, I miss her hug, I miss her sweet scent, I miss her voice, I miss her warm hug, and I miss all about her! But suddenly, I feel the pain on my shoulder. She bites me.“Awww!!!! Why??” Ugh!
“I’m mad at you, got it?” Rena-chan let go of my body. “You hid many things in your mind. You should tell me right away if something bothering you, stupid!”
I smile. Well… if she already bites me, then… everything already back to normal again, right? I wipe my tears. “Don’t be angry, please~” I roll over into her lap. I put my head on her lap and she didn’t refuse it. I lift up my hands and then I pulled her neck down. She struggles but I quickly capture her lips when her face is already close to mine. BINGO! I give her a sudden kiss. I grin when I see her reddish face. “I’m sorry for ruining our wonderful relationship. I promise that I won’t hide anything from you anymore. I love you, Rena.” BINGO! Her face becomes redder now. Cute~
Rena touches her lips. She looks too surprised and shy. “T-tell me your other secret! I won’t forgive you if you still have one. If you tell me now, I won’t be angry.”
“Hmm… I think I don’t have any secret.” Oh! Suddenly, I remember something. “I have one.”
“What is it?” Rena-chan smile while caressing my hair.
“I’ve never told you before but actually… Mayuyu is my ex.”
“Aw-aw-aw-aww!!!” Rena-chan grabbed my hair strongly. “You said that you won’t be angry! Aww!!!”
“All this time, I let you clinging with her freely because I didn’t know about it!!”
I laugh out loud. It’s been a long time since I saw Rena’s jealous face. I can’t resist the cute face, so… I pull her into other kisses. “You know… I think Mayuyu have been kind of checking me out every day lately, she is kind of clinging on me a lot after you graduate. I wonder if she wants to come back to me.” I whispered it in the middle of our kiss. “Awww!!!” She bites my lips.
========================== THE END ==========================