WMatsui – New Year


= 11 AM =

Rena have been staring the picture for about an hour while sitting on her couch. How long has it been? When the last time I stood and sang on Jurina’s side? She’s wiping her tears that has been rolled down since hour ago. Oh my God, I miss her so bad! If I knew that graduate would be this hurt, I wouldn’t make this decision until she graduates as well.

Last year, Rena hope that when she graduated,  her 3 years of unrequited love for Jurina could end as well. But now, she’s realizing that it’s a meaningless hope. Her pain is doubled even since her graduation from 48G. I can’t keep living in a pathetic life like this.  She laughs a little while putting the photo frame back to her desk.

Rena walk toward her bed and throw her body onto it. Lucky for her that she doesn’t have any schedule until next week, so her swollen eyes won’t be a problem as long as she wears black glasses if she goes outside her house. How are you, Jurina? I’m here, alone. She looked at the clock that hanging on the wall. It seems I will celebrating new year by myself tonight.

Since last month, Rena have been refused dozens of invitation from the fellow artist, her new management, her 48G friends, and even from her family. She wants to be alone. Fuck with new year, she said. Days are all same for me, full of pain. It’s tiring to keep smiling like an idiot in front of people when our hearts are broken, right?

Rena close her eyes.

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= 3 PM =

“Jurina!!!! Don’t you have a year end party with SKE48 family at 5?! Hurry up!”

Jurina could hear her mom’s voice from downstairs. “Okay mom!!!” She answered it. But instead of getting a shower, she goes back to her bed while carrying a photo frame on her chest.

Jurina lift the photo frame so she can see the picture again. That was the last time I felt her hug. She said it while caressing Rena’s face on the picture. I miss her yet I still have not a courage to talk with her. She sighed. “Is this really the last…? Will I not meeting her again?” She felt so lonely and drown with memories that she had with Rena for years. It hurts.

Jurina realizing her stupidity for not keep maintaining a good communication with Rena. Since Rena graduated, she was never called Rena, not even a single short message was sent to Rena. Sadly, Rena is also do the same to her. It’s like they become living in the different world after the graduation.

At first, Jurina was too busy in maintaining SKE48 balance because of Rena’s graduation so she didn’t even let her own personal matter distracted her even for a second. But weeks after her beloved SKE48 has been stabilized, she’s realizing her mistake. She always thinking about Rena every time she’s alone but she doesn’t have a courage to begin the communication with Rena. She is hesitating with her own mind. What if she disturbing Rena? What if Rena find her annoying for calling out of blue? What if Rena already found someone she likes? What if… What if… What if…

Jurina staring at the picture once more before she takes a shower. Happy new year, Rena. She smiled but the smile that full of regret and pain.

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= 7 PM =

“Oi Jurina.” Masana said it while taking a sit beside Jurina.


“Why don’t you try to invite Rena-chan? Look.” Masana pointed her finger toward ex-members who also joining the party. “It’s okay to invite her. It’s not like we do this party with our management.” She was trying to convince Jurina.

Jurina look hesitant but then she takes her phone from her handbag. After she find Rena’s name on her phone, she glance at Masana again. A convincing nod from Masana give her a courage. She presses a dial button and then she put her phone on her ear. Her heartbeat become uncontrolled as soon as she hears the dial tone. She’s waiting… and keep waiting. “She didn’t pick up my call.” She said it to Masana.

“Oh. Maybe she is in the middle of having a party as well.” Masana shrug her shoulder. “It’s okay, Jurina. Maybe next time.” She’s patting Jurina’s back.

Jurina doesn’t say anything. She’s just looking at the ground. What if… her being in the middle of the party is not a problem here? Maybe she simply doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

* At Rena’s house *

W-what was that?! Her hand trembling while holding her cellphone. J-jurina called me?

Now, it’s Rena’s turn to not having a courage to start a communication with Jurina again. The phone was in her grip when Jurina called her, yet she’s too afraid to feel hurt again.

She remembered the thing that happened 2 years ago. At that time, she and Jurina had a big quarrel because of something and it caused both of them didn’t talk for about 2 weeks. So one day Jurina came to her to apologize and make up, she felt really happy at that time. But after that, her heart sank when Jurina was also announced her relationship with Mayu. Rena tried really hard to maintain her smile until she excused herself to go to the toilet.

Maybe if I keep not talking with her, my heart will get used to it and slowly forgetting her. Even though that Rena doesn’t so sure about that, she decides to keep her heart locked. She puts her cellphones back onto the desk.

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= 10 PM =

Jurina keep fidgeting her fingers. Why Rena haven’t call me back yet? She knows that I was calling her, right?! She massaged her forehead. She is drowning in her mind.

If it’s about Rena, Jurina become overly thinking about everything she does. It’s always happened since 3 years ago, when she and Rena became extremely close to each other than before. At that time she was sure that her feeling for Rena was not just a friendship, it was love. But as usual, those “what ifs” came to her mind like crazy. What if Rena only saw her as friend? What if her confession ruined their relationship? What if Rena already had someone she likes?

And that bad habit of her made her decided to lock her feeling deep inside her heart and started a special relationship with Mayu. Deep inside her heart she wanted too see Rena disappointed face when she announced her relationship with Mayu, but it was not happened. What she saw was a big smile from Rena. Not long after that, she heard from other members that Rena started dating with Yukirin. It made her felt regret for a long time.

Jurina gasped. That’s it! Regret! I don’t want to feel it anymore! She quickly stand up and excusing herself to everyone. I don’t want to feel regret anymore. If Rena reject me, so be it. I have nothing to lose. She is not in SKE anymore so even if she rejects me, I won’t see her face everyday and become awkward with each other. I can simply avoid her if  that happen. She runs out of the building and quickly looking for a taxi.

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= 11.15 PM =


Rena flinched as she heard her apartment’s bell ringing. Huh?! I don’t remember that I inviting someone. She hesitantly walks towards the door and then she see the uninvited guest through the peephole. J-jurina???!!!! W-what? Why?! Oh my God! What should I do?! She walks back and forth for quite long time.

“Rena-chan, are you in there?! Please open the door.” Jurina keep pressing the bell even though she does not sure if Rena is in her apartment or not. She keep trying to call Rena for about 15 minutes but no answer from Rena. She sighed. What makes me think that Rena would be in her place? She must be having fun with someone now. She smiled bitterly and then she decided to go home.

But when she turns away, she hears the door unlocking. She quickly turns her head toward the door.

“Hi. It’s been a long time, Jurina.”

Jurina saw Rena’s smile and even without her realizing it, the tears rolling down on her cheeks. It’s – It’s Rena. In a flesh! Her smile… her voice… She smiles yet she’s crying even harder.

“Oh my God, Jurina!” Rena quickly pulling Jurina into her hug and slowly lead Jurina go inside her apartment. “What happen? Why do you come here in the midnight like this? It’s dangerous you know!” She patting Jurina’s head to calm her down.

“Baka, it’s your fault!” Jurina finally find her strength to talk. She let go of the hug and wiping her tears.

Rena get confused. “Me? Why me? It’s even our first time talking after a long time.” She talked like that while pointing her own face.

“Why did you not answer my call?! Or at least call me back if you didn’t hear it at first!” Jurina looked irritated after she knew that Rena is actually not in a party. “You obviously knew it, right?”

Rena flinched. “I… I’m sorry.”

“I’m not asking your sorry. I just want to know why. Do you hate me that much?”

“No. Of course not. What are you saying?!” Rena denied it firmly.

“Then why?” Jurina can’t understand what inside Rena’s head. She always remember how Rena only show her smile in front of her, even though she realize that Rena is having a trouble in her mind. She sit on the chair. “Is it maybe because you don’t want to talk to me anymore after you graduation?”

Rena flinched as she heard Jurina’s question. It really hit her. She also take a sit on the chairs beside Jurina. “Listen to me, Jurina.” She looked straight into Jurina’s eyes. “I’ll tell the truth if you insist. I have nothing to lose anymore because we’re not in the same group anymore. So… if you want to go after you hear this, then I won’t prevent you.” She takes a deep breath.

Jurina close her eyes and clenched her fists. She’s sure that she’s going to face her worst nightmare ever.

“I’m in love with you since 3 years ago and-”

What? Jurina open her eyes and looking Rena in disbelief way. For 3 years I’ve been thinking so many “what ifs”, but this what if was never crossed in my mind. Not even once. When she saw that Rena is going to talk again, she pulled Rena’s face onto hers. She captured Rena’s lips. She doesn’t care about the rest, confirming their love is good enough. No more drama, no more tears, no more explanation.

Both of them kissing each other passionately, trying to forget all the pain that they felt in those 3 years. Somehow, they both feel so stupid for not confessing their love to each other since the beginning. If both of them were brave enough to take a risk, both of them didn’t have to feel those great amount of pain and regret.

“Me too. You’ve been in my mind since 3 years ago.”

After Jurina’s said it, they saw the fireworks has been fired up to the sky. Both of them holding hands while walking through the window and open the curtain fully, so they can enjoy the view better. Both of them smile and tightening their grip onto each other hand.

“Happy new year, my dear.” Rena smiled toward Jurina. “This is going to be the best new year celebration in my life.”

Jurina snorted. “What makes so sure that this is going to be your best new year celebration?”

“Hm?” Rena tilted her head as she was confusing about Jurina’s statement.

Jurina chuckled. This girl is surely cute. She pinched Rena’s cheek gently and then she pulling Rena’s body back into her hug. “I want to make every new year’s party become so awesome until you confused which one is the best.” She laughed and then she give a light kiss onto Rena’s forehead. “Happy new year, Rena-chan. And congratulation because you’re officially become a girlfriend of The Great Matsui Jurina.” She releases her hug and give Rena a cheeky smile. “Wow. You must be proud of yourself because you succeed in becoming SKE48’s ace girlfriend.” She laughs really hard.

Rena show her WTF expression but then she laughs together with Jurina.

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How ironic isn’t? Those great amount of pain and regret that us carried in our own mind and heart for 3 years, can be solved in about 30 minutes only with a magic word like “love” without need any other explanation.

Please don’t make a same mistake like us. Confess your love and take the risk. That’s the only way you can be happy even if your love is not mutual. 🙂

Happy new year, guys.

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